Dear Nicholas Cage

Please. Fucking please. Stop. This movie you have coming out...it looks so very bad. It looks so bad I got a dollop of cancer just watching the trailer. The premise is a huge pile of stupid. Endless numbers that mean something significant! WOW! WOOOOOO! FUCK!
Please, just stop. You've got to have tons of money. You don't need to make crap-sandwich movies. I mean, I guess it's plausible you have some debilitating vice that is so terrible no one can speak of it. Perhaps it's worse than Troy McClure's. We may not know. Perhaps this terrible compulsion (I'm guessing he likes to violate amphibians after being covered with marmalade. You heard it here first: NICHOLAS CAGE IS A MARMALADE-COVERED TOAD FUCKER. EXCLUSIVE!!!1!) leads him to make any movie that someone pitches him through the crackly microphone box at his local Chic-Fil-A. We can only hope there's something other than horrible, unholy hackery.
There is an option I hadn't considered: perhaps he's doing it on purpose. Perhaps, maybe, he just hates humanity, and wants to make our days bleak and dark and horrible and testicle-shrivelling. And frankly? All available evidence says yes, he is doing it on purpose.

Note: I only included movies I've actually seen, except for the most recent one. Good lord, I hate you Nicholas Cage.