i am a dirty stinking liberal.
Stop being a fucking jackass. You fought a complete fight, good work. But remember, you're 1-1 against this guy now. Stop acting like an asshole.
I'm going to send off requests to everyone I can for a free holy book of some kind. Bibles, korans, whatever the fuck hindus read, etc. then I'm going to light them the fuck on fire, and film it, and post it on Youtube, and document the response. Does that sound like a reasonable idea? I think so. If it's given to me it's my property, right? And once it's my property, I determine the relevance of that object. It could be a million dollar check and if I chose to soak it in kerosene and burn it up, that's my business right?
I've been going back over some great fucking songs from back in the day. In the early 90s there was a pretty vibrant scene of very good bands with some amazing talent. Bands like Heavy Vegetable, Boilermaker, No Knife, Drive Like Jehu, Creedle and others just really kicked my ass. They led me to visit places like the Casbah at every opportunity to see whatever bands happened to be around. Some nights it was me, the staff, and the band. I clapped at the end of songs.
Piping hot and steaming with joy and other fluids is this week's Hor-O-Skope! I consult the stars to give you insight into what's coming up for you throughout the week, or if you'll even survive to the next installment, which is unlikely, to be honest.
Aries: As an daring, adventurous adventurer, you will soar to unknown heights and glean insight into the nature of the universe. As a careless asshole, you will not secure the balloons correctly, and will glean insight into the process of removing fence-posts from the human spine, at least when you come to.
Taurus: Nothing good will ever happen for you. Take up something useful, like self-amputation or heroin.
Gemini: Beware shifty Philipinos. If you are Philipino, beware mirrors and family reunions. Beware!
Cancer: According to the star readings I just stepped out to make, you are a moody crab. That totally sucks. Who could tell? It's like, hey, a crab. You don't think "I wonder how it's feeling?" You think "I wonder if I can catch it, boil it, crack open its exoskeleton with pliers, and dunk its tasty tasty flesh in butter, and devour that fucker?" That sucks. Cheer up, emo crab.
Leo: One thing Leos are known for is their large personalities and equally large faults. Your large fault will be that you randomly try to gouge out women's eyes.
Virgo: If you sit in a chair facing north-northwest within five feet of a recessed window at any time in the next 77 hours, someone, somewhere, will kill a baby duck. Every time you get up and sit down again, they'll do another duck. If you do it enough, you'll get a decent glute and ab workout as well.
Libra: I checked with the stars, and they all say this is going to be a good week for you. Except Antares, which says you'll be eaten by ferocious prawns. But Antares is kind of a dick.
Scorpio: This is a good week for new ventures. You should try and hire a wolverine to maul an enemy's pet.
Sagittarius: You will run afoul of your own belief in the rightness of ritual and rules this week when you're judged impure by an Inquisitor and pressed in the Iron Maiden for three days.
Capricorn: Mood-swings will plague you, as will aluminum-bat-swings.
Aquarius: Don't bother contemplating how you ended up in that situation as you plummet towards the waiting pavement. Instead, try to twist around and get a view of the sky. It's a nice view.
Pisces: You are known to be malleable and elastic. Try to flatten yourself on a newspaper and pick up a copy of an image. That would be cool.
Booooooooosh
Bouncy Bouncy
ooo such a good time
Bouncy Bouncy
Shoes all in a line
Bouncy Bouncy
Everybody
summersault,
summersault
Summertime
Everybody sing along
Bouncy Bouncy
ooo such a good time
Bouncy Bouncy
White socks slipping down
Bouncy Bouncy
Stilettos are a no no
Bouncy Bouncy ooo
Bouncy Bouncy ooo
Everytime i bounce i feel i could touch the skyee
She loves this song:
Happy Birthday Ralph
Atom and His Package
Hair: Debatable
alright, ralph...happy birthday...you freak...
you're breakin' hearts and you're breakin' guitars
today's your birthday and you don't even know how old you are
you're in love with every woman from tyler
you went swimming in the ocean with my goddamn dialer
you used to be fat, i think then i liked you best
'cuz now you're skinny, i'm chubby, and you make fun of my breasts
and i'm sorry, but this may sound weird
but you gotta do something 'bout the food in your beard
happy birthday, ralph
i love you
even though you are fu?kin' disgusting
happy birthday, ralph
i love you
even though you are fuckin' disgusting
you can't wear your bike hat because of your hair
wherever you go, u break everything everywhere
this year, sixth gear, now get on your way
(Shut off the stereo chorus, and the digital delay.)
some people, they think, they think you're rastafarian
and they ask you for pot
i think i like it, i know i like it
i like it a lot because, because it pisses you off
so for your birthday
i got you some hawaiian punch on tap
h.p.o.t.
so now you can stop borrowing my stuff
and trying your new kung fu moves out on me
happy birthday, ralph, i love you
even though you have a beard
happy birthday, ralph, i love you
even though you are perverted and weird
happy birthday, ralph, i love you
God fucking dammit has another week flown by in my inexorable march towards death? It most certainly has. While I had a moment here in my daily ass-flattening routine I thought I'd send along your new Hor-O-Skope for the lulz. Cause motherfucker, I needs my lulz, and when I needs my lulz I gets my lulz.
Aries: This week is one for you to express your masculinity. Try to fuck open a coconut.
Taurus: Since your lucky day is traditionally Friday, and today is Tuesday, stay indoors. Better yet, hide under the bed, or in an upside down bathtub. Rip your bathtub out of the wall, turn it over, and hide under it. Bring a jar to urinate and/or masturbate into.
Gemini: At some point in your day you will be inconvenienced by an ocelot. Restrain yourself from harming the thing.
Cancer: You need to focus on social energy. I don't know what the fuck that is, but focus on it. Harder.
Leo: Just because you're about to be homeless does not mean you're a failure. Every door that closes opens a window! Wait...no it doesn't.
Virgo: A hobo will punch you in the neck. You cannot stop this, as you have been chosen for hobo-punching by the hobo council. It is written.
Libra: Be certain to read up on Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, or PSAS. Trust me, after less than an hour you'll be happy to have done so.
Scorpio: Most of the Black Eyed Peas are going to think about you, at some point today, but it won't amount to anything. Fergie won't though.
Sagittarius: As you are part horse and represented by fire, I'd say eat some horse, like on the hoof. Go to the track and take a chunk out of one of those fuckers. Bring a hibachi and enjoy a tasty, lucky treat.
Capricorn: I read some tea-leaves, and they said today was a good day to get involved in a hamster-throwing competition. Who's gonna tell the tea leaves they're wrong? Not you, prick.
Aquarius: You're going to get hit hard by a sausage of some kind today. It may not kill you, but right before it impacts you'll be laughing at something. Try ducking every time you laugh...it won't help, but man it'll be funny looking.
Pisces: Constantly worrying about how you're perceived will result in bad things happening to you socially. Like a dog shitting in your mouth in a social setting, say brunch.
Labels: hor-o-skope
Nick Drake
Which Will
Pink Moon
Which will you go for
Which will you love
Which will you choose from
From the stars above
Which will you answer
Which will you call
Which will you take for
For your one and all
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.
Which do you dance for
Which makes you shine
Which will you choose now
If you won't choose mine
Which will you hope for
Which can it be
Which will you take now
If you won't take me
And tell me now
Which will you love the best.
Labels: poot
I recently realized that I have a tremendous gift...to read the futures of every single person in the world, in convenient 1/12th slices. So I decided that I'd offer my own horoscope...or Hor-O-Skope...to edify enlighten and otherwise embiggen the populace. Without further ado:
Aries: Today is a good day for you to root around in an old couch. There could be something cool...a rare coin, or perhaps a songbird in need of rescue. Or just ass-detritus. Can you afford not to look?
Taurus: Your energy levels will fluctuate today. Try to only ejaculate on an odd-numbered minute, or your spooge will emerge slowly and without vigor, frightening the recipient(s) of your facial. They may well flee.
Gemini: Someone will soon name a football team after you. It will make it to the playoffs in its very first year, and be terrible for decades afterwards.
Cancer: It was not something you caught off the fucking toilet, call that bastard and find out what whore he's been fucking while you're at pilates.
Leo: If, in the course of your day, you see a midget, offer them a candybar or high-energy snack of some kind. The results will surprise you (Hint: Abbingstay)
Virgo: You can totally pull that jump. I dare you.
Libra: Scarlett Johanssen is watching you right this second. But you will not find her...she is crafty, and possibly a sorceress.
Scorpio: In the blink of an eye your hopes will be dashed, all you have worked for will crumble to dust, and you will be left with naught but a pastrami sandwich with cole slaw on a hoagie roll. It will, surprisingly, taste delicious.
Sagittarius: Sagittarius? More like VAGittarius, am I right?
Capricorn: Today you'll remember that thing, that happened way back in middle school, that so deeply affected you ripples of it resound to this very day, and prevent you from ever, ever wearing a strap-on dildo.
Aquarius: If you talk to someone named Freddy today, you'll either die or find a quarter. The stars are unclear.
Pisces: Air travel suits you today. See if you can blow a pilot for free tickets. Or just someone dressed like a pilot.
Labels: hor-o-skope
"Moonbat" is a term righties like to use to describe anyone who doesn't agree with them. Like I call them "rightwing nutjobs", or "wingnuts" for short. I take the name Moonbat with pride. I 'll disagree with them forever.
