there's something

to complete shutdowns, to just ending everything you can
there's a purity to it. you have but one response. there's not justifications, no weighing alternatives, no thinking necessary. you just act as you decided you should act, and that's how it works. decisions being a removal of other options, you are left with pure doin's, and you're happy. or at least you're not in painful throes of self-doubt and self-hatred.
i spent a long time doubting myself for my perceptions and hating myself for being too weak to make hard decisions, as well as allowing myself to be played like a fool. recent events validated my decisions, and i feel like a better person, i feel like, thought it was a pain-sandwich with extra pain on the side, i still did what i needed to do for joy, for being a happy person.
i'm still hurting, but i can see a light at the top of the pit. ultimately i'll be better, stronger, happier for it all. it's good.
in the meantime it's kinda like hanging onto slippery rocks in a pounding surf. you get your ass kicked by rogue waves, slip and hurt your hands and knees, and random fish get stuck in your pants. its okay. one fuckin slippery rock at a time. if it don't make it, tough titty for me i guess. i'll still punch a clock.