don't want to think

so much pain i'm in pain all over. its just pain of various types. i'll focus on one and it will eventually fade and i'll think, finally, and then realize i'd been focusing so intently on that one I missed the others

just more and more pain

i wish now as much as i ever have that i could just turn off my brain, turn it to standby or something, it never shuts up, constantly exploring the hurting parts

pain in my stupid body, pain in my stupid brain, pain in my stupid soul, what a whiny melodramatic fucker i've turned into. i suppose it will only get worse as age tears me to pieces and folds me up, i'll get more piteous and deranged and sooner or later blame all misfortunes on others, on family and friends and whoever, until i've alienated everyone and shuffle around in some stinking old house, maybe the one i'm in now, alone but for some shitty pet.

waaaaah