man

last night was by far the worst. i read some things i shouldn't have, and thought things i didn't need to think, and ended up feeling nauseous all night and angry and lonely. it was stupid. its stupid watching all my friends swoop around her like freakin vultures, and all the shit i know they're talking...they're her friends too, they want her to feel better. still hurts. i don't do that.
it's stupid beyond belief to talk to women. i'm not doing it. they're either stupid, scarred, scared or scumbags. or all four. i don't want to do it, i don't want to ever open up again, i don't want to deal with it, i'm through.
the worst of it was not that intellectually anything changed. everything i felt was animal and out of control. all of my justifications meant little to nothing, and all of my well-thought-out reasons were like billboards along the route of a cattle stampede. right now i can think of all the reasons why this or that, but last night my head just kept bowing as if her hand were pushing it lower. i was, and still am, feeling hollowed out and somehow insubstantial. disconcerting is a good word for these feelings.
i hope leaving tomorrow will begin the process of healing myself. forced isolation sounds like it will hurt quite a lot. i really need to not read those things ever again, but i feel like i'm going to do it right now. oy. incompetent spellers insulting someone they never met (me) is a great way to pass the time. ah well, life is pain, then you're pushed off a cliff. at least the end is usually exciting.