woon

I was thinking that it would be good to do something totally randomly stupid, and since i'm old and fat i'd have to do it with charts and planning and shit like that, so i can minimize the danger of falling and breaking my fucking hip.

cool idea: make a stupid music video. but not just any music video, a super stupid one that combines two of my favorite things...being a jackass and breaking shit. that's why the song must be "I Am Downright Amazed At What I Can Destroy With Just a Hammer" by Atom and His Package.

Me and Jan and Brian bought a pretty little hole.
It was cheapish and we split and we're fixing it up.
So Mr. Sokol does everything rewires, fixes cracks.
I can only break walls, moves stuff, and get snacks.

And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.
And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.

Nails in drywall, paint haul, blah blah.
Move in, no sink, new broom, I think.
I bribed the garbage man!
I am a super bad boy again.

And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.
And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.

Brian, don't stay mad with us.
Come on, eat some food with us,
We own a home together.

And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.
And I am downright amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer.

And the video can consist of me and maybe charles and probably Desi once she gets into it then finally Marie once she gets off the couch and over the Mighty Liver Inflammation or whatever's afflicting the hell out of her ass just fucking destroying things with a variety of hammers. I like hammers as it is, I always danced with those hammers from the Pink Floyd video thing.

See, I'm dancing. And apparently shopping right after Jr. High at the Peg Your Pants Store, which is where i shopped in Jr. High.

So anyways, the smashing things with hammers would work way, way better than the "slicing glass with a metal ruler" plan I had that sounded SO GOOD in my head....like, you know, you get a metal ruler, and it's like a SWORD! and you can chop shit in half with it if you swing it fast enough! Yes, yes, I know now, trapped in the clutches of sobriety-ish, that it's a bullshit plan, of course of course. But man! That night, it seemed AWESOME. And failed so badly. Ah, lost dreams. One bent to hell ruler and a lot of annoyed, woken-up neighbors later we're back in the house wondering how it all went wrong. So this would be vindication for my poor ruler-swinging. I would be back in the saddle, as they say in westernland, where cows can talk and demand to have their testicles shorn off.

In any event I'm still awake, and still homeless, and the futon mattress on my mom's floor smells of bitter, bitter escrow worries. It's a daily battle to not abscond with the down payment in my bank account, run off to Vegas, and play poker for what, like 4 days. Of course I could win enough to buy a house in cash. Likely scenario: Poor, back on mom's floor, no hope of being a homo-ner.

So in the bank it sits. I remain, fat, high-cholesterol, ranting. My legs are white to the point of painful eye strain but I've lost the worry about what anyone thinks of me. I've been wearing shorts again lately, so how long can it possibly be til I"m in loud shirts with annoying novelty ties telling jokes that involve me striking a pose, head tilted just so, with a toothy open-nouthed "TA DAAA!" stance, jazz hands rampant? The taste of it is like acid on my tongue. Yet...oddly comforting. Office cut-up is so...standard. So easy a role. Of course, i laugh at, and invent, dead fetus jokes. so that kills my office cut-up possibilities.

Ah well. My foot has fallen asleep. I think this post brings navel-gazing to a higher, more pure level. Its my small contribution to the world. Suck it, world. Suck it dry.