failure

everything seems to be failing right now.

my body feels like it's failing. i can't hear out of my left ear, and my jaw is displaced in a weird way. hurts when i bit down. i've been battling sinusitis, i believe, for about ten days now. i leak snot constantly and my head feels bizarre. my cholesterol is at 230. i eat oatmeal for breakfast and don't know how to eat dinner yet. i had crackers last night.

my mortgage deal seems on the verge of collapse, the house i foolishly thought i could purchase is going to be someone else's and my loan/real estate agent won't answer my calls. i'm seeing my future plans crumble in front of me. i'm living on my mom's floor.

my culture, my society is failing as well. the friends i love are far away, and the ones close enough are aloof. the relationships i count on seem to be weakening, due in no small part to my own failures as a friend, et al.

i know that ultimately failure is our legacy, and our fate, but i cannot help but feel i'm failing too soon. don't i get a little more of the sweet illusion of life as joy before the knife slips in? i guess that's foolish to hope for. hope is stupid.

i'm not moping around and whining in life though, i'm talking and doing things. inside i feel like someone dropped a toaster in my bathtub though. like i'm falling to small pieces in a doorless room, surrounded by grinning cardboard cutouts offering nothing

haha! perhaps i'm a sad douchebag too. man that's some maudlin bullshit.