well now

i thought i'd leaven that last post with some less dirge-like shit that i think is funny.

Dane Cook:
Monopoly. Everyone has it. NOBODY likes it. Even if you think you like it, you don't. It's easy why...cause this is everyone here after two and a half hours into a game- (WHOOSH) FUCK this game! It's four in the morning Grandma! YOU WIN!! I'm sitting on Baltic with crap! I'm paying luxury tax out the ass!! And I hate it when you're the banker--where'd you get those pink fifties you cheating whore?! Don't fuckin' touch me grandpa, NANA is a cheating WHORE!! And I should cut your head off with this little doggy."

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Sound file. don't tell anyone I posted this. Dane's story of the first time he got head.

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Emo Phillips made a joke voted one of the top 75 funniest ever, and the funniest religious joke ever:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "DIE, HERETIC!" And I pushed him over.

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Daniel Tosh quotes:

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What WOULD Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

If "no" meant "no" then every man would die a virgin.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance -- fake.

I love women who say "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual". It's the same as when I say "I'm not honest, but you're interesting."

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

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KICK TO THE GROIN COMICS!

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k, we good now?